Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.
— Ambrose Bierce
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
What this country needs what every country needs occasionally is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends.
Confidante: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C.
Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.
Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.
There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.
We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.
The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations.
Suffrage, noun. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another man's choice, and is highly prized.
Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.
Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man who did not particularly care to trace his own.
Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.
An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me.
Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge.
The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.
Battle, n., A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.
Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.
Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth.
Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.
Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.
Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
