I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!
— Bob Hope
You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.
I have too much money invested in sweaters.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.
You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.
When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.
The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
