I can't remember ever cooking food to impress a woman. The idea's quite cheesy and sort of makes my skin crawl. But I sometimes make a special effort to impress my cats, with chicken liver or something. It's tricky to know if a cat's impressed. They might give me a little look, a glimpse at least. That's cat ownership for you.
— Bob Mortimer
You know the thing I liked about fishing when I was 14 was being out with your mates mucking about, throwing bread around, getting a bit wet maybe.
I wouldn't wish it on people but there is a positive side to a near-death experience. People used to ask me do you fancy doing this or that - and it was like I had a file of reasons in my head for not doing things. I would riffle through it until I found one. But I've dropped that.
My doctor told me that I would have had a heart attack on stage.
I come from the era when that continental stuff, the skimmed yogurt and a croissant, was a healthy start to the day.
Throughout my entire three years at Sussex I never spoke to another law student. I talked in tutorials but as soon as they finished I was away back to my room to listen to my records.
After heart surgery you can go two ways, you can kind of get scared, shrink on to your sofa and keep yourself safe, or you can engage with life again. I probably was in danger of taking the first option.
In broadcasting, there's a lot of longevity offered to people like Griff Rhys Jones and Stephen Fry, who are polymaths more than comics. We're comics first and foremost.
A lot of comedians want people to listen to them. I don't think we've ever been that bothered about whether people would want to listen to us.
Darts is bad.
It's like cooks don't watch cooking programmes - I suppose maybe comedians don't watch comedy shows.
I think 'the Mighty Boosh' are quite good.
I get tempted to do a reality show because I enjoy them so much.
I saw Alan Davies on a show from the London Palladium and he did a nice routine about having kids or whatever. I couldn't do that.
I hate dinner parties, you know, can't stand them. Friends don't bother inviting me any more, because they know I won't come. I could never think of anything to say between courses - it's a confidence thing, I suppose.
I played for Middlesbrough's youth team. At the age of 16, I went into a shed at the training ground and was told that they weren't signing me on, so that was the end of that dream. Football was my life. I played football when I got to school, football every break and football as soon as I got home.
I worked in a chicken factory, in a steel foundry, I worked on the bins for a year or so. It started as a summer job, but I stayed on because I liked it very much. I liked it that it made you very fit, doing all the lifting and that, so I could wear short-sleeved t-shirts, which I'd never been able to do before!
I used to like getting cups and putting tiny bits of food and liquids in them. I'd grow mould plumes in the dark wardrobe of my little back bedroom. Not to eat them, mind - just to admire the growing power.
I am increasingly of the mind that all fat is good.
I don't fish but had always wanted to after doing it as a kid.
I go on 'Sunday Brunch' and Simon Rimmer's mashed potato is like heaven.
After my triple bypass I got my sheet of healthy and unhealthy foods and I was like, croissants!?! Literally as bad as lard.
It can be very lonely knowing that you have things to say but you daren't say them. Knowing that you could contribute to something but you don't dare quite do it.
I don't think 'Shooting Stars' has ever successfully been replaced.
With everything, 'Shooting Stars' included, we'll just have some words on a card to prompt us - 'How would Rod Stewart die,' that kind of thing - and we'll just run with that idea, as if we were talking to each other, messing around. And I'm no scholar of these things, but I think that's what double acts should do, isn't it?
There are quite detailed rules with sitcom. When people can leave scenes, act structure, joke rhythm. You can't not have a straight man.
I'm not that interested in other people, and I don't have any friends, so I'm not really the ideal candidate for Twitter.
We miss 'House of Fools' a lot. It felt a bit like a different and fresh show for British TV.
We've always been a slightly specialist interest, and as you get older, for specialist interest programmes I think broadcasters are probably looking for younger talent, really.
There are a lot of famous people who started out with us and became stars and I wouldn't swap my life with theirs for one second.
I like having something I can watch every single night. It suits my habits.
Other people just look so comfortable with a book in their hands - I never feel like that.
My shyness probably defined the first 30 years of my life, really. It's a crippling thing. It can be very lonely knowing that you've got things to say, but you daren't say them.
I eat a tin of sardines every day.
I don't think old posh is as intimidating as new posh, is it?
I have always been a bit of a recluse, but I really was after the heart thing. And everyone knew.
I am allowed one matchbox-sized piece of cheese a week.
We live very ordinary lives.
When you've had a heart thing, a lot of the problems are psychological.
I sometimes wonder, with the Oxbridge comics, the broadcasters seem to say, at some point, now I trust you to do a documentary, you can be the voice for a maths show, or whatever. I don't think we're ever considered in that way.
We've ignored audiences all these years. We've just amused ourselves and hoped enough people would want to eavesdrop to make it all viable.
Funnily enough, 'Shooting Stars,' that stupid little panel show, is the most influential thing we've done.
When we first did 'Big Night Out,' there was no chance of someone doing a little show in a pub then being on telly. There was a little Oxbridge route in and an old-fashioned variety route.
I hate every moment of live performance.
We miss 'House of Fools' a lot. We always enjoyed doing that; it felt a bit like a different and fresh show for British TV, so we always feel attached to those sort of things.
I want people to watch us and think, 'They're idiots. They're clowns,' I want them to watch us and think Tommy Cooper or Spike Milligan.
I love 'Big Brother.' I adore it. What can I say. It just suits me fine.
I've started to get iritis, which affects the eyes. But I'm not going to give in.
When I was about 13, I went to see this band called Free, who I'd never heard, and I just fell in love with them. I found my heroes. I stood at the front with my chin on the stage.
