I'm a late-night host that doesn't want to be tied down by time or television or even hosting.
— Chelsea Handler
I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial to pretend I wasn't born with a personality for divorce. Whatever the opposite of amicable is, that's how my breakups tend to play out.
Every time I enter a country and have to write down my occupation at customs, I'm like, 'I don't know... Author? Host? Writer? Stand-up?' I usually write 'author' - that's the safest bet.
I'm really into the human interest thing. I really like regular people.
If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.
I like the minute when I can get off the stage and go home, and I know I've done a good job.
I want to educate people and deliver news that isn't just surrounded by Charlie Sheen. I'd like to be able to do the serious stuff in conjunction with the comedy.
I've always had a problem with authority. That's why I had to be my own boss.
I'm actually a big fan of Kathy Griffin because I think she's really funny. I think she's really self-deprecating, which is something I like to see in a comedian. I think those are really the best comedians: people who can make fun of themselves.
I once waited on a group of 10 people, and one guy collected the money from the check and tipped me $20 on $600. I told him in front of everyone, 'Jews like you give Jews like me a bad name.' That was my last waitressing job.
Network TV is so limiting. There are so many parameters.
You can act, or you can't. I'm sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I'm not really worried about them.
Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute!
I cannot be Mary Hart - or even worse, Samantha Harris - and stand there with my hip out talking about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes taking Suri to an art museum without making fun of it.
Some people think Hollywood is shallow. I find that it's home.
I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.
You can't have friendships that aren't based on realness.
Great guys exist. They may not be in the package you think you like, and they may not come when you feel you deserve them the most, but they're there. I believe it. You should too. Because now I'm with someone who makes me grow every day. His name is Netflix.
Men are always like, 'You're so intimidating.' I don't find myself to be. But whatever - I'm not going to try to be less intimidating. It's just a matter of finding a guy who's able to deal with it.
There are some really interesting celebrities and people who are fun to interview, but when you have to do it every day because you have to fill a slot, the allure wears off.
There's a difference between racism and people making a joke about something. There is true racism going on, and people should be able to identify what that is, comparatively.
In a relationship, the sum of your parts should equal more than just you by yourself. He needs to bring something new and different to the table to up the ante.
Once you've achieved success, and you're making decisions that are working, I don't understand why anyone would be second-guessing themselves.
The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm way too divisive for a show like that.
Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what my sister always said: 'Don't worry, you'll peak later.'
I think pregnancy is a huge responsibility.
My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely.
We're seeking out such grossness in human behavior and want such mindless entertainment. 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' and some of these other shows are more racist. Or '16 and Pregnant.' Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious?
I remember having a conversation with my sister, saying, 'What if I don't make it? What if I'm still waiting tables when I'm 35?' I was just at the end of my rope. But I've been at the end of that rope several times.
I thought I'd become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.
There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?'
Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of humor. I mean, let's be honest: she's ridiculous. What is her game plan?
Who would marry me anyway? I'm a handful.
Jennifer Aniston is one of the most down-to-earth, low-key people I know.
The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.
I always thought to myself, 'I don't want to be doing stand-up when I'm 40 years old.'
People are following me because they want to see pictures of me. So why is Instagram editing them?
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are ridiculous-looking - especially her. They're so strange and charismatic and weird. It's pretty hard to take your eyes off them.
I have severe ADD, and I'm constantly looking to amuse myself.
I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, 'Once they see me, they'll be so glad I came.' I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me.
I never considered myself a supermodel or anything like that. I mean, I don't think I'm ugly. I have good days and bad days, and I like when I'm fit and lean and all of those things that any woman likes, but it's not the eye of the hurricane for me.
Personally, I'd have a baby just for the epidural.
TMZ is so disgusting.
I started my own business because my parents had no dowry for me, and I was worried. I ran it from their Martha Vineyard's summer house. I baby-sat for a 14-year-old boy all summer and was giving him time-outs, even though I was two years younger than him.
I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities.
My position as the best-selling author at E! is secure - unless Salman Rushdie develops a show with them.
There's only so much you can say about celebrity, obviously.
I definitely don't want to have kids. I don't think I'd be a great mother. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have the time to raise a child.
If you talk about Lindsay Lohan for four or five days a week, you really can't bear to talk about her on the weekends.
Even my Mormon sister checks my rankings on Amazon.com.
