You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer.
— Chelsea Handler
As the youngest of six kids, I grew up spending summers on Martha's Vineyard, and I was always topless. All the pictures are of me in jean shorts, no shirt - with my brothers, playing football.
E! has just become a sad, sad place to live. They don't know what they're doing; they have no ideas... everything they do just is a failure.
Once I turned 40, my whole life changed in the most mature - not boring way but much cooler way. I feel much more like an adult.
I've always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. I behaved erratically instead of consistently. I would have tons of friends, and then I would have no friends. I'd be with the cool girls, then the uncool girls. I migrated from group to group because I was bored or people got bored with me. I was very intense.
I think you do need two terms as a president.
I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That's a slippery slope, because I'm a comedian. If you take anything I'm saying too seriously, then you shouldn't be paying attention in the first place. If you find me offensive, don't follow me.
I like to have a home for people just to have a lot of fun.
MTV is known for their huge budget.
If you're a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don't.
I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I'm really lucky to have, and so I want to make sure every minute counts and that I go on great vacations and I share my memories with people that I love and that will make me laugh and lalalalalala.
Jews are underdogs - not in my world, obviously, they're not.
It takes me a while to get my appetite going when I wake up early.
I try not to cheat on my boyfriends when I have them.
I don't pretend to be a great interviewer; I don't even pretend to be good at my job.
Every time I had a book come out, I'm like, 'Is it going to be number one?'
I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.
I'm not friends with any of my exes, and I've never understood the appeal.
There was never a moment when I was like, 'I'm going to enter the public conversation on the importance of female nudity.'
Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else's words. I could just stand there with a microphone, and nobody would interrupt me. It's the most narcissistic thing you could probably do.
When you interview celebrities, they're so guarded so many times, they can't reveal anything.
Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut.
The whole point of remaining on cable is to remain true to who I am. That's a bad, bad girl that got a big job.
I think comedy has to come from your authentic point of view.
I'm a standup comedian, so I need people.
You either become like your parents or you become the opposite of your parents. And I like to think that I'm the opposite of my parents.
I like being able to, you know, pack up and leave the country and hop on a plane and go wherever I want and stay wherever and bring my friends with me and bring my family on vacation. That's amazing.
That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.
I was broke from 19 to 26, borrowing money from my parents or my brothers or sisters every week to pay the bills.
Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun.
I love Sandra Bullock. I think everybody loves her.
Seeing your parents fall apart is really rough. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
There are times I felt insecure or not sure: I'm unsure of myself, or I get nervous, but nerves are good. I try and embrace all those things. I try and embrace the times where I'm not sure of myself or I'm like, 'Is this going to work? Is this going to land?'
I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.
I'm not trying to be a role model to kids, because I don't have any children, but I do think everyone should have a free spirit.
I think nudity is funny, especially when it's inappropriate.
I think if you're gonna do something as silly and lighthearted as entertainment, then why not be interesting when you're doing it?
Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I'm like, 'Being friends with you is a burden. You think it's hard to be friends with me?'
I have a huge impact with young girls. Young women. That's my demographic.
I don't like speaking publicly when I don't have to be funny.
I don't have a lot of shame. That doesn't mean I can't feel bad about the way someone reacts to me or about something I read about myself online. But I don't have a lot of guilt, no. I've always been this way. I'm missing a chip.
I'm not superstitious at all. I'm not a Russian.
I was the youngest of six kids, and my brothers and sisters were kind of a lot older than me. And the one sister that was, like, in a close age range - she was five years older than me. She was my closest sister in age, and she was a loser.
I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven very well for me.
I encourage interoffice romance.
I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.
You look at, like, a 'People' magazine, which used to be a really good, you know, nice magazine you could go to for real stories. It wasn't like a 'Star' or an 'US Weekly' and they have somebody with plastic surgery on the cover, Heidi Montag. And it's obviously what consumers want, because why else would they be doing it?
There's a lot of pretty funny women out there.
I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem.
The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.
