Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.
— Chris Rock
When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children.
Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.
After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college.
Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.
I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.
I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.
A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.
A man is only as faithful as his options.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.
You can only offend me if you mean something to me.
Pretty girls have problems too.
Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.
By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.
Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.
Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?
A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.
Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.
Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.
Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.
Hollywood's just not funny.
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.
Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.
Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.
Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
