If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
— Dave Barry
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
