Never have lives less lived been more chronicled.
— Dennis Miller
I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.
Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.
America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.
I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.
It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.
Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.
Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.
I lapsed into rude.
I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.
What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
I rant, therefore I am.
I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless.
I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.
The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.
I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.
Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.
A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.
Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.
Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.
We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.
Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.
