I want to be a dog, but I'm a pussycat.
— Don Rickles
My wife came into my life, and my mother still wanted to be the boss.
I've never had a written script.
Compared to what some of the young comics use for material today, I'm a priest.
Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.
If something strikes me as funny, I'll put it in my performance.
I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one.
When I got out of high school, I wanted to be an actor but was getting a lot of rejections. I was getting rejected by life. My mother, God rest her soul, told me not to quit.
You lose your energy, you lose that excitement and it gets the audience up.
I have to have energy because I have a lot of expenses. A couple of cars, couple of dogs and a big estate.
I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it.
I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke.
In our day we went from - we went into saloons. We couldn't cross over like you can today, get a television series and all of a sudden you're a major movie star, you know.
Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.
I was a mother's boy.
When I'm onstage, I'm acting.
Smartphones. Who cares? Smartphones. I only have dummy phones.
Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera.
I was 28 when my father died, and I was an only child.
I ride a recumbent bike for half an hour every day.
To this day, when I say that I went to the American Academy, people are very impressed. The reputation of the school has always been fantastic.
Sinatra was somebody special.
I write my own tweets.
I always say, when you're onstage you can't please everybody. I'm sure there are people who may not take to what I do, but that's okay. Thank God the majority are in my corner.
I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid.
I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.
I still have drive, but everything is relative.
It takes many years to be a great comedian.
I told jokes badly.
I do situations and make fun of authority and life.
I'm very shy so I became very outgoing to protect my shyness.
I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym.
Well, I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one.
Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed.
I'm not one of those guys who wants to die on a stage.
Yeah, I make fun of blacks, and why not? I'm not a black.
In the 45 years I've worked in casinos, I dreamed of being honored by an organization like the American Gaming Association, especially since I don't even have a hunting license.
If I have learned anything, it is to keep my wife happy by sending her lavish gifts. Other men can learn from my success and send their wives and girlfriends fresh flowers for birthdays, anniversaries, and of course, Valentine's Day.
I've been to Philadelphia a lot of times over the years, playing the old Celebrity Room and most of the other clubs around there that don't exist anymore.
My wife, Barbara, is great. She arranges when I do work that I have a day off between performances.
My father was an insurance man and a small-time gambler. He was a good man, but he had an eye for the racehorses, and I saw how it used to bother my mother. I've never gambled a dime. Never, in all those years in Vegas.
I'd like to think my performance is today. I never try to - it's so, as you know, watching me, I have a beginning, middle and ending. But every night the show changes and I relate to an audience and I relate to the young people.
I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.
Funny is funny.
To me, the stand up part in my life is great. I know I can do that. When I get an acting chance, I'm really thrilled.
I mean, in my - and I'm not trying to do spilled milk, but in those days it was a little - I think it was much tougher, because you got an image, and you were in a saloon. And it was tough to come out of a saloon and to get in films, and to maintain an image, you know.
You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it.
They always use the word 'insult' with me, but I don't hurt anybody. I wouldn't be sitting here if I did. I make fun of everybody and exaggerate all our insecurities.
You know what's funny to me? Attitude.
To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it.
