A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
— Erma Bombeck
Children make your life important.
There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
