Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
— Erma Bombeck
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
God created man, but I could do better.
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
