You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
— Henny Youngman
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Take my wife... Please!
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
