I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.
— Jay London
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.
I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.
I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.
I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.
I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.
At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?
I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.
My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.
I model irregular clothing.
Do you know it was a year a ago today?
Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.
I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.
Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?
My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.
I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
I saw a stationery store move.
I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.
My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.
After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.
I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.
People read me but they don't subscribe.
I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.
I was born nine months premature.
I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.
They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.
You know what burns me? Matches.
A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.
