Men want to make women happy.
— Jerry Seinfeld
You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.
Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
I love being a dad. I just love it.
The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
I like definitive things.
Stand-up is hard.
I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.
You can be passionate about anything.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
