When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from.
— Joan Rivers
I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.
I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.
I love Katy Perry! She's very charming.
I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
I am furious about everything.
What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
I just love acting.
I hate reality shows that are not reality.
I was not an attractive child.
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives.
I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.
I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
It's feast or famine in showbiz.
You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite.
Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.
I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.
I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?
Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he's doing an acting job.
I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.
I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan - huge!
I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.
Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
I was a Brownie Scout mother.
I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
Every television show you go on is a choice.
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
