A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
— Joan Rivers
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Never floss with a stranger.
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
