I think if you're at the point where you're popular enough to sell your wedding photos to OK! Magazine then you don't need the money.
— Johnny Vegas
You don't want to be flattered and become big-headed by getting awards. But, well, I am.
I think it sort of dawns on you that if you're not gigging constantly you're not actually relevant. You may be relevant to a different part of the media now, to television commissioners and editors, but to a young live-comedy audience you're not, really.
Oh, I'm terrible at travel.
For the greater good, I thought I should be a spiritual leader for people for some reason.
I always feel like an interloper when I do serious drama. It's my own paranoia.
I also want to return to doing stand-up. I've become frightened of live audiences. This is a really telling sign that I need to go back on the comedy circuit again.
I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough.
If an original piece of wardrobe came up from Star Wars, I'd probably spend a lot of money on it.
My work's never been accepted by my family, but it's something I'll always carry on with.
Up North you are holding your own. Everyone considers themselves a comedian.
When I wasn't as attractive as I am now, I suffered at the hands of cruel children and their taunts until I realised that confidence and a bit of aesthetic care can overcome that.
You can't be a proper comic unless you've been out on stage and felt the fear.
You always hear people saying, 'I hope I'm not turning into my dad', but I'd be honoured if I became half as decent a bloke as he is.
I've always been looking for other people's approval.
Health-wise, I couldn't have said what my life expectancy would've been if I'd just carried on doing solid blocks of stand-up.
You know, there's that temptation in interviews to make yourself sound - well, to give yourself a bit of mystery.
Had I become a priest, the sermons would've been electric!
Baldness is visually enough of a stigma as it is without a big sweaty bloke on stage pointing it out.
I trained to be a priest - started to. I went to seminary school when I was 11. I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me I could never have sex, not even on my birthday, I changed my mind.
I'm getting positive feedback for my acting so we'll see if any other interesting parts come up.
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
There's this idea that it has to be made in London. But we've got everything up here, and if you've got comics who are gifted because of where they're from, you shouldn't drag them away from that natural resource.
We all have days where we can't pronounce things or give it the emotion it deserves.
With stand-up you've just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle.
This autocue was obviously written for someone else and I've been brought in at the last minute.
I came back from university thinking I knew all about politics and racism, not knowing my dad had been one of the youngest-serving Labour councillors in the town and had refused to work in South Africa years ago because of the situation there. And he's never mentioned it - you just find out. That's a real man to me. A sleeping lion.
I had a massive amount of self-belief when I did stand-up.
My agent once said, 'You're not very driven.' And it's true. I'm not the type to ring up and go, 'Get me this part!'
I've spent lots of time in London, I studied in London, I like London. It's just not my home.
I actually enjoy being heckled; it keeps it interesting, and I think it is a nice feeling for people once they have left the show.
I've got too much respect for stand-ups to call myself one.
I use very few muscles at the best of times.
I've got little ankles and a bit of a belly, so it makes me look rather an egg on legs.
My forte is playing drunks down the ages. When my agent rings me about a role, I don't ask what the part is, but what century it's in.
They look outside the windows of their apartment in town and realize they're not living in a terrace anymore. This is a room full of dreamers who like to go to London for a day.
We had a week off in the middle of shooting, but as soon as everyone stopped, we all went down with six different types of flu and other unmentionable diseases.
You can sway an audience if you win the women over. The gentlemen will follow 'cause they can be so foolish like that at times, they are easily led.
There's lots of stuff about me being a fan of Cliff but not being gay. Which suggests that he is, but he's not. Anyway, this is Channel 4, let their lawyers sort it out.
