I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? What are they getting out of it? I don't quite get it. Because they have awards all the time; there's awards for butchers, the best meat served, but they don't televise it. I don't know why they do it for films or TV programs.
— Karl Pilkington
Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.
That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.
When I go on holiday and people ask me what I do, I tell them I do some internet stuff and I've done a couple of books and I hope they just leave it at that.
I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there.
Comedy's really subjective, you know.
I just sort of go along and say what I think -and that's all you can do in life, really.
I've got loads of nieces and nephews.
A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.
I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill, I'd be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.
I mean, I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.
And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.
Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.
I'm not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn't really changed.
But I'm not an idiot. At the end of the day, I've learned a lot.
The reason I did the book about holidays is that you're a different person on holiday. You're sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, knocking about with people you've never met and for 10 days you're someone else. You're out of your comfortable zone.
It's not a joke: I really do like being at home.
I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt.
They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?
I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about.
I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything.
To be honest, marriage doesn't scare me and that, it's just once you've been together for so long, if you haven't got any kids it's just a big expensive day out for everyone else to enjoy, isn't it?
I had a bad experience doing public speaking at school. I had to talk about a pen for five minutes and it was really hard work. I couldn't wait to get off the stage.
To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after.
If you'd have told me five years ago that I'd have done all this - two books, some television and everything - I'd panic, I'd be scared.
I am into nature and seeing whales. I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you're seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that's added gives you a certain feeling.
You know, when you're a producer, you're a bit of a lackey. You're just making cups of tea and making sure they've got newspaper, stuff like that.
When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in.
It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.
People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.
