I'll say this for adversity: people seem to be able to stand it, and that's more than I can say for prosperity.
— Kin Hubbard
There is nothing so aggravating as a fresh boy who is too old to ignore and too young to kick.
Where ignorance is bliss it's foolish to borrow your neighbor's newspaper.
Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.
The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing.
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
Every once in a while someone without a single bad habit gets caught.
As to those who hoard gold and silver and spend it not in God's path, give them, then, the tidings of a painful agony: on a day when these things shall be heated in hell-fire, and their foreheads, and their sides, and their backs shall be branded therewith.
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on a vacation.
It ain't a bad plan to keep still occasionally even when you know what you're talking about.
A loafer always has the correct time.
The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.
A bee is never as busy as it seems; it's just that it can't buzz any slower.
Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid.
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
After a fellow gets famous it doesn't take long for someone to bob up that used to sit by him in school.
A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.
A grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one.
Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.
It's what a fellow thinks he knows that hurts him.
Peace has its victories no less than war, but it doesn't have as many monuments to unveil.
Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it's by applause.
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?
It's the good loser who finally loses out.
Kindness goes a long ways lots of times when it ought to stay at home.
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
Bargain... anything a customer thinks a store is losing money on.
The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.
It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
Lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.
I don't look for much to come out of government ownership as long as we have Democrats and Republicans.
If capital and labor ever do get together it's good night for the rest of us.
There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.
Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it.
Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.
Nobody ever grew despondent looking for trouble.
No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.
The world gets better every day - then worse again in the evening.
Men are not punished for their sins, but by them.
All the world loves a good loser.
It's going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth once they inherit it.
Some folks can look so busy doing nothing that they seem indispensable.
Getting talked about is one of the penalties for being pretty, while being above suspicion is about the only compensation for being homely.
If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.
Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will be postponed.
