I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous.
— Larry David
Whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible.
I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.
It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically.
Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.
Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it myself.
Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.
I am not honest.
I don't have many friends.
I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.
I think Michael Moore is a hero.
I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.
Most people think I'm immodest.
If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away.
I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me.
I don't like people cleaning my room.
Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over.
Golf and dating don't mix.
My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time.
I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.
I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.
I'm still driving a Prius, yeah.
I'm anti-cheese in a salad.
Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for.
I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself.
I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through.
I don't like to make a big splash anyway.
Let's not forget, I got divorced.
My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.
Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me.
Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens.
You know, I'm really not that bright.
I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it.
My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver.
If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable.
I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed.
I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore.
No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.
I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.
The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.
I believe in something.
OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy.
I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'
I have no secrets.
Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate.
I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it.
The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.
There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable!
I'm cranky.
I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.
