When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.
— Les Dawson
When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.
Slumps don't bother me.
I know my name will always be linked with women.
I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.
My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.
The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.
In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'
I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.
I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.
My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'
With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.
I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.
I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.
My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.
You do something you're really quite proud of, and the public doesn't like it. Then you do something that perhaps you're not at all happy with and the public loves it. And that's the moment of truth, because it's the audience that's the final judge.
My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.
Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.
I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'
How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
