My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.
— Lewis Black
I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever.
I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.
When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.
The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?
When you're fund-raising for schools, then something's wrong. We seem to have lost some sort of sense of what the common good is, and if you don't have a sense of what the common good is, then at least give to what you think your specific goods are.
I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.
It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity.
I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.
The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself.
Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.
This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.
Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.
Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.
Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.
One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.
If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?'
Everybody's family has different values.
Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'
When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'
The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.
When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is.
I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.
If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist.
One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it.
Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.
Self-love is a big part of golf.
You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.
Usually I'm too tired to apologize.
The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.
My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation.
You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win.
When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.
Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.
Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun.
I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.
I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people.
Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular.
I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.
All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.
No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life.
My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.
I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.
I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people.
You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.
I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.
I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation.
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.
When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.
Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.
