The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.
— Lewis Black
What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.'
Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.
The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.
People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.
I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition.
Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.
You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.
For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think.
There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.
The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.
As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.
Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.
I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.
What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.
I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.
My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.
One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.
It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.
I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism.
Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.
Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.
Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!
Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!
I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.
You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps.
Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'
You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.
Political audiences are not fun.
I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.
I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.
I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.
Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.
I'm a Jew.
Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.
What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.
In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks.
I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should.
What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding.
Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight.
I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.
The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.
If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare.
I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.
Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.
It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'
Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis.
The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.
Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.
I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.
