I'd lie in bed in my dormitory and grab at bits of my body, wanting to tear them off... I was so large by then that, in the heat, my thighs chafed together and bled. I was very unhappy, and yet no one ever asked me how I felt.
— Marcus Brigstocke
I failed to get into drama school, and my best friend told me I should do stand-up instead. I was always doing gags and voices, so he booked a gig for me without telling me. I only had four days to write it. I did a seven-minute set; the first four minutes were terrible, but the last two were amazing.
Political correctness is as exploitable as any other progressive ideal, but its aim is to stifle the incessant noise of those who flap their careless lips without a thought about those they might offend and why that might be important.
My purist comedy friends accuse me of being a Jack of all trades and master of none.
I'm best known as a stand-up comedian, but I'm a good actor in the right role.
Eventually, somewhere - be it on the Internet or somewhere else - I will host some version of 'The Daily Show.'
I have learnt that I am incapable of packing the right amount of clothing, probably because I start 10 minutes before I'm supposed to leave, and that I truly hate airports.
Jim Henson was an absolute genius.
I spend my jollity on stage, so there is less in my own life.
I've spent a lot of very happy times in Edinburgh as a result of playing virtually every festival since 1996. It's also a beautiful city in its own right, is walkable, within sight of the sea and mountains - and was too far north for the Luftwaffe to have done any damage, hence the spectacularly beautiful architecture.
I don't mind not being cool; I wear a cardigan.
All my shows are therapy, trying to navigate interesting subjects so I can work them out and to be honest and say some things are beyond the wit of this man.
Offence is important; that's how you know you care about things. Imagine a life where you're not offended. So dull.
If you go on stage with an agenda, you have to accept not everyone's going to agree with it.
The basic function of a comic is stand-up because it's so straightforward and simple. If the audience don't laugh, you didn't do your job. I've had some audiences where I didn't care if they laughed or not because they were either too drunk or stupid.
Britain is obsessed with political correctness.
I became hugely overweight and then hated myself because it was a form of self-abuse, something over which I had no control. I think the thing compulsive over-eaters want to achieve is that stuffed-full Christmas afternoon feeling.
And much as I enjoy writing and creating stuff, I don't enjoy it so much that I am willing to give up any time that could otherwise be spent performing.
I'm more pompous and self-assured and determined that if - you know - if the truth can be told so as to be understood, it will be believed.
I rarely fly, for environmental reasons more than anything else.
The most successful comics are always the hardest-working ones.
If you want something Scottish, go get yourself a kilt.
Never Google yourself. Seriously, don't!
No one wants life to end. It was bad enough when my last tour came to an end.
Guilt is feeling bad about what you have done; shame is feeling bad about who you are - all it is, is muddling up things you have done with who you are.
There are a lot of comics at the top end making staggering amounts of money and selling out stadiums. I think stand-up is a more intimate thing than that. Maybe because of the kind of comedy I do. It's like a discussion, but I'm the one with the microphone.
I stumbled on a joke idea and style that worked, the audience went with it and, from that moment on, I was hooked. It's an amazing feeling.
I'd rather be happy than right.
I have a very good memory for scripts. I can watch a show I like once, then remember about 90% of the script. But ask me who was in it, and I wouldn't have a clue.
I have an addictive personality. Boarding school merely sent me more quickly on the downward spiral that dominated my childhood.
I think it's important never to look yourself up on Wikipedia. I think the temptation to correct any interesting factual errors would be too much.
I went to China for a brief working visit, and I thought that Shanghai was interesting, but Beijing totally grabbed me.
Catholicism has the clerical equivalent to a nut allergy - even a small exposure to change, and the whole thing will go into anaphylactic shock.
I realised that to compare your insides with other people's outsides leads to unhappiness.
I find it hard to get enthusiastic about hotels because, as a touring comic, I spend a lot of time in them.
I think Ross Noble is the only person that I've seen really storm a stand-up slot at a festival, and that was when he led 3,000 people on a conga out of the tent and across the entire site to a vegetarian food truck.
I find myself by default an atheist but fairly unhappily so. It would be bloody marvelous if there was a god.
I am not racked with self-loathing. Some issues of guilt and shame, but I'm a pretty good guy.
