The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
— Mark Twain
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.
I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.
It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.
Buy land, they're not making it anymore.
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.
The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.
Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold.
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.
A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
The educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
We have the best government that money can buy.
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
