Ruthlessness is not something that comes easily.
— Michael McIntyre
You have to be realistic. Not everyone is going to like you, so you have to focus on the ones who do.
Fame is sexy. And women are meant to find men who are funny sexy. But not me. Absolutely not me. Clearly I just missed the sexy bit.
People have their special room for Christmas. One year my mum left her present on the arm of the sofa and it was still there the following Christmas!
I've been performing stand-up comedy for ten years, it's what I love and will always do.
The last thing you want is for people not to care about what you have to say.
Making the 'Big Show' has been the most fun I've had on telly.
I really, really love stand-up.
If I'm honest, I think everything is funny. You've just got to find the right way in. When I'm at my happiest and when I'm really on it, when I feel like I'm really on good form at the moment, everything can be funny.
I think if anyone becomes so obnoxious to believe they could be a national treasure, they just need to go on Twitter and realise they're not. That's there to curtail anybody's confidence.
I want to look svelte.
I wanted to bat for the England cricket team. I was quite good at cricket. But then I kept getting out for low scores. It turned out I didn't have the talent.
Success and arena shows are a great anti-depressant.
I suppose I'm always a little bit on edge.
Our family home, a large house in Hampstead, was sold to Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. I remember being told that 'someone who eats bats' was buying it.
A responsive crowd is great - they help you see new things in your comedy.
I don't have any writers. I never get a laugh with somebody else's jokes. I can't do it justice.
I don't like upsetting people.
I don't eat huge amounts, I'm just very lazy. But then this story appeared about me being on a diet and several weeks later I was snapped on holiday with my ‘‘new physique'' on display, which was basically my old physique under a baggy T-shirt. I hadn't been on any diet. But I felt I had to live up to it.
I don't want a chat show or to be on telly every day, as that's not my business; my business is standing in front of people and making them laugh, and I want to see how far I can get with that.
I usually do quite well with presents, but the problem with Christmas is it's such a big build-up and such a big day that if someone tests you the year after, you've got no idea what you got.
Britain's Got Talent' is about those moments when an unknown person takes to the stage and changes their life in the space of a few minutes.
Coming up with your own opinion is hard. When I go to see a movie I don't really know if I enjoyed it, so I ask my wife and listen to people talking on the way out. If they all say it was magnificent I'll agree!
Hard audiences tend to be when it's all men. It's when businesses have dos where they're at conferences all day then book a comedian for the evening. They're men of a certain age - basically middle-aged, balding, 50 to 60 years old and I just know I can't make these people laugh hysterically.
I found the idea of trying to create a show that everyone can enjoy really appealing.
I think actually performing on stage when everyone's facing you and you're one person facing them, that is quite a lonely thing in a strange way. You have to be quite insular from everybody else, you've got thousands of people staring at you and you're just on your own.
I had some terrible times - comparatively speaking. I saddled myself with a load of debt, I wasn't liked by a lot of my fellow comics and I used to blame other people for me not getting a break. But now I realise I just wasn't very good. And as soon as I became good, things took off pretty quickly.
I got my big break at the Royal Variety Performance in 2006 and returned in 2008, but now to host it is such an honour and I'm unbelievably excited.
I definitely wanted a Ferrari 328 - I was obsessive about cars as a kid.
Before I went into comedy I was a loner, very much wrapped up in my own thoughts. But I always liked myself and the way I thought.
I've heard that my father was a really funny man in company, but I never got to see that side of him. I was just 17 when he died, and he didn't know that I was funny.
I always knew I was quite good at getting laughs. At school, I loved having a ready audience if I made a cheeky remark.
Comedy provides an escape from the horrors of real life.
I never felt like I belong to anything - to any groups of friends. I never really had that.
I don't understand people who write blogs and have children. You can't stop in the middle of bathtime and say: ‘I'm just going to write a load of words - for free.' I won't do it - unless someone wants to commission me.
Women like me. Women love me. But not so my wife need worry. Not in a 'he's so hot' type of way. More in a 'come round for a cup of tea' way.
I can sit and write clever things, but that never quite works as well as when I'm just chatting about stupid things in the moment.
One of the weirdest things about Christmas in this country is that people love to watch 'EastEnders' when everyone's in floods of tears and there's a huge row. I don't know if watching it makes them feel better about their own day. Personally, I would rather try to be a bit more positive!
I would never be rude about somebody else in my profession because we all do this same thing. We're just trying to make people laugh.
Men need to be with women otherwise I don't think they really know how to behave. They'll just stare at me and it's awkward, so I scramble around in my mind to say the rudest things I can think of just to get something out of them.
I'm thrilled at the continued success of the 'Big Show.'
I'm not going to crack America.
I've always found the world funny and enjoy laughing at it, and that's what all comedians do.
The only critics who annoy me are the ones who come to my shows even when they're clearly not fans of my work.
It would be nice if I had a faster metabolism, because I love food.
My life is spent in hotels, which tend to be quite disappointing if you're in them every night.
I don't go around straightening pictures or anything like that, but I do obsess about the safety of those I love, particularly the kids.
It's hard to see your dad once in a blue moon.
I had a great moment with Michael Buble where I asked him if he could teach me to sing like him and he said why we don't sing together, so we did! It was great because my wife and children came to watch his performance.
I've always felt so unconnected to other comedians.
