Sometimes it's difficult to laugh at certain things but comedy can help.
— Michael McIntyre
I like jokes where people don't stop laughing.
I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left 'Countdown;' I mean, it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker.
The people who don't like me are completely irrelevant to me, just as I'm irrelevant to them.
I always used to want everyone to like me, because it used to hurt so much when people made snidey comments or gave me bad reviews, but I've learnt to deal with it.
I call people 'captain' a lot and it makes them feel special. Until they hear me using it for everyone, that is.
I'm sure there are comedians who make jokes about me, but say something funny, not mean.
It's such a lie that women go for funny men.
It's a weird one: nobody notices when a brilliant comedian is fat or has sweat marks under their arms. Peter Kay isn't in the best shape and neither is Ricky Gervais, and it doesn't matter. Still, I like to feel like I'm transforming into something quite cool when I go on stage.
I don't know how it is with other people's relationships, but my wife is always much more tired than me because she works much harder looking after the children, which is an endless battle - a lot of it is battling with them to stop battling with each other.
I just find little things in life funny, it's why I giggle during my shows.
Given this voice, I know it does sound like I've come from money. But my dad was Canadian and my mum Hungarian, so it's not like I have some high-society, upper-class English background.
I have no ambitions to act, because I don't know how to.
Maybe people just can't cope with how jovial I am.
I sometimes reflect on my own life on stage and no one laughs, but you have to have faith in it and hope that people will laugh.
Stand-up comedy is what I do, and it's so rewarding. If you write a joke and tell it to an audience of 15,000 people who laugh their heads off at it, it's the best feeling in the world.
I was in Starbucks and the person in front of me said: 'Can I have a tall, skinny, black Americano please?' I said: 'Are you ordering coffee or voting in the U.S. elections?'
There's nothing better than having a bright, blinding light in your face and being guided by big, rolling laughter. There's nothing more encouraging than hearing that huge sound. I've waited my whole life to hear that. You come away with the biggest high of your life.
I get looks like I can't raise my child, but I can.
The world is in a bit of a state. I don't know how it's happened so quickly but everyone's a bit on edge. I'm not sure that our leaders are doing a great job globally. We're hoping on Trump and Kim Jong-un - these two people who maybe aren't necessarily the sanest.
If you can help it, don't be rude to people. When you're rude about someone and the audience laugh you can't deny that it's a bullying laugh.
I've got some Jewish ancestry and I don't like waste.
Australia is fun, but completely exhausting and confusing because I never get on with the different time zone.
Now I almost overly embrace how weird I am, how I look and how oddly camp I am. It's almost too honest for me because I harboured ambitions to be quite a cool, good-looking guy.
I worked every single night, not even caring if I got paid, to get myself known. Within a year I was on the Royal Variety Show and that was it.
My wife is very fit and looking younger every day, whereas I'm looking older day by day.
I like the stage lights to be bright so I can't see people because I will inevitably only see the ones who aren't laughing.
I don't just like to use punchlines anymore, especially in arenas. They freak me out. There is nothing worse than 15,000 people waiting for a punchline.
I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring and I even had it engraved - with the price.
I've always just tried to make the audience laugh.
I thought I was going to do some cult, cool, late-night interviewing thing on BBC2. But everyone kept saying: 'No, Michael, you're teatime, you're not cool.'
I do speak well as I went to a posh school. But I come from no real breeding.
One of the positives of getting older is that you forget your age. Then you find out that you're younger than you thought you were.
I go to the British Comedy Awards and, you know, quite a few people were making jokes at my expense. It just made me feel awful, because I am there with my wife and she has gone out and bought a dress. And it is my big night and I won, and yet the overriding experience was that of nastiness.
Sometimes I worry about things changing and people not liking me any more. As a comedian you do feel like you're walking on a knife edge.
I think everyone wants to know why I look like this. These jokes I make about looking Chinese… My mother's from Hungary and my dad was from Canada. There's a lot of immigration in my past.
I was trying to do one-liners and it took me years to realise I just had to be myself. My fear was if I was myself and no one found it funny, I'd have nowhere left to go.
I went to quite a nice school as a kid, where everyone was quite posh, because my dad was making some money.
I feel a bit weird about turning 40. It makes you feel like you've passed over on to the other side a bit.
I don't watch any other comedy, I don't study stand-up as an art.
