You don't get to choose your voice! I was never like, 'Oh, I'll take the voice that causes dogs to gather outside.'
— Michelle Wolf
Comedy, in my opinion, is best when it's in the gray, and you're kind of pushing people's thoughts that they sort of had but never vocalized. And I think a joke is not good if someone says something, and immediately people are clapping because they're like, 'Yes! That is how I feel as well!'
There is only so many times you can say, 'Trump tweeted something that was bad.' That is not a joke to me.
I'm so lucky that I found comedy and that I get to do it for a living.
Taking a night off from comedy to go on a date with someone I'm probably not going to like anyway sounds like the worst trade-off in my mind.
Twitter is a good medium to lean how to write jokes. It pushes you to write a better joke in that, on Twitter, the first joke about something has already happened. You need to think of the second joke and the third joke.
I've watched 'The Daily Show' forever. So being a part of it is surreal.
I was a kinesiology major in college, which is exercise science. Then, I was either going to get my Ph.D. or go to medical school, but I was kind of burned out after school.
I'm very quiet off stage. I think I'm a pretty boring person. I'm not super talkative; I spend a lot of my time running and zoning out. I spend so much time trying to write jokes and 'be on,' so when I'm finally off stage, I just want to sit.
The thing that's frustrating about improv is that even if you have the best show in the world, it's over when it's over. You get to build stand-up - I really like that aspect of it. I like writing jokes, and you don't get to do that in improv.
There's something about us as stand-ups that when we're on our feet, we feel more in control of the situation and in control of our bodies and our delivery.
That's why we should respect people: not for how pretty they are, for how useful they are. What would you rather have, a pretty friend or a friend that can help you move? Always a friend that can help you move!
I don't want to be in a relationship for the same reason I don't want a kid: I don't want anything in my life to be more important than me.
Republicans are easy to make fun of.
A lot of people want Trump to be impeached. I do not. Because just when you think Trump is awful, you remember Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn't gay.
Some comedy has turned into, 'Donald Trump's bad, isn't he?' That's a true statement. But where is your joke?
The more confident I am, the more daring I am.
I don't want to alienate anybody. If you're making a joke about men and men are laughing at it, it's a good joke.
I got a third-degree ankle sprain practicing long jump. I never fully recovered. That was my first heartbreak. I thought track was going to be something that was going to happen in my life. It never went in the direction I wanted it to, no matter how hard I tried.
I think Trump is terrible for comedy. A lot of people say he is great. He's not. You can't joke a joke.
I'm a standard overachiever.
Before stand-up, I'm not sure I even had a point of view.
It's one thing to be funny in a tweet. It is another to be funny for an hour.
I took an improv class, and after my first class, I was like, 'Oh, I just want to do something like this. This is super fun.'
It's hard to make a joke out of someone that's a joke.
I always think about my jokes as like I'm driving down a street, trying to go into all the culs-de-sacs along the way. I'm just taking a thoughtful, weird journey.
It's important for people to, instead of automatically assuming everything the opposite side says is incorrect, you have to at least listen and see why someone might feel a certain way.
I straighten my hair very few times throughout the year, and it's only in the cold winter months because it's the only time my hair will stay straight. If there is, like, a tiny bit of humidity in the air, it's curly again.
I am a feminist.
We cannot forget about Rachel Maddow. She is the Peter Pan of MSNBC. But instead of never growing up, she never gets to the point.
Watching Rachel Maddow is like going to Target. You went in for milk, but you left with shampoo, candles, and the entire history of the Byzantine Empire. 'I didn't need this.'
Before comedy, I worked at a tech company, and before that, I worked on Wall Street. And, honestly, I've never really been sexually harassed.
Writing and telling jokes is my favorite thing to do, and I want to be able to do that forever.
I think I'm a good joke writer. I'm also very scared that the last joke I wrote is the last joke I'll ever write.
Very early on, I met this one comic who said if you're not doing stand-up every night, you're not doing it. And so I just kind of believed that and worked off that.
For eight years, all I cared about was track.
If you are willing to say something about someone, you should be willing to say it on Twitter, to their face, whatever.
I've been lucky enough to do a lot of very interesting things, and every time, I've been like, 'I want to put everything into this because I want to see how far I can go with it.'
Writing for late night is really good for learning how to write when you don't want to write. You have to produce every day. It's also very good for refining the difference between your point of view and the host's.
You know how I know I'm white? I can cry myself out of a parking ticket.
I always loved comedy, but in my mind, it wasn't a viable career option. I always thought, 'You go to college. You get a job, and then you pay off college.'
I was an athlete in college, and Wall Street likes athletes because they're very competitive people that are willing to do anything to win. So I got a job at Bear Stearns in the summer of 2007.
I did so many open mics. I would write jokes on Twitter constantly, and then slowly, over time, open mics turned into shows. If you can get a joke to work at an open mic, it's a good joke.
There's a lot of nuances to stand-up that you definitely see when you watch someone like Chris Rock in that his body position is also part of why the joke works.
We're never gonna have a nice lady run for president.
The jig is up: I'm not a nice lady.
The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles.
Mike Pence is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and thinks, 'Mmm.'
Honestly, I never really thought I'd be a comedian. But I did take an aptitude test in seventh grade - and this is 100 percent true - I took an aptitude test in seventh grade, and it said in my best profession was a clown or a mime.
People can be successful for a short period of time, but only a handful of people are successful for decades.
