I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
— Mitch Hedberg
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
