Someone told me I looked like a young Tonya Harding recently, as if 'young' would soften the blow.
— Nikki Glaser
I've been doing stand-up for a few years, and I have a handful of fans just from stuff I've done, like 'Last Comic Standing.' And as a fan of stand-ups myself ... like, when I first discovered Sarah Silverman, I wanted to know everything about her life.
That's the compliment I get most often - 'You guys are so honest.'
I was going to go to a Gathering of the Juggalos but decided that wouldn't work. They would know I was there to make fun of them. It would be like me going to a Trump rally.
I have always been scared of confrontation. My therapist says it stems from my fear of abandonment.
I always told my parents, 'Just give me till I'm 27 to do comedy, to make it'.
The first place I ever performed was at CU Boulder. I went there my freshman year and discovered stand-up after my friends talked me into signing up for a showcase on campus.
College is good discipline. That's what I learned there: pull an all-nighter, get it done, and get an A. I'm the biggest procrastinator, and I learned how to be an efficient procrastinator.
I'm sure I've already made some mistakes that I'll wish I could take back.
When I did 'Nikki and Sara Live,' I think a lot of the comedy got lost because we were always so worried about how we looked, and so was the network.
It strikes me as pretty interesting and cool how girls support each other in this business. I've never felt so much support in my life than from my fellow female comedians. I attribute much of my success to some of them.
I've been saying inappropriate things since I was a kid.
Up until recently, I've said, 'I don't notice the sexism in the industry.'
If anyone's going to bring about mass extinction, it'll be Donald Trump.
I have to say that it's fun to write for young girls, and it's exciting to know that we're influencing them and they're looking at us like, 'I want to grow up and be like them.' I mean, I just made up the person saying that.
I'm in a relationship and have never been on Tinder as a single woman, but from what I have seen, I think it is always good to have a picture with an animal to show that you are kind.
I just realized I have probably spent more time in a strip club than Rihanna has, and that is saying a lot because she goes a lot!
Temping is the worst. I would rather starve and be homeless than nanny or temp again.
Some of my favorites include 'Walking the Room' and 'Never Not Funny' and 'FitzDog Radio', Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast.
I wasn't a good-looking child. I got screwed out of the genetic deal. My sister looks like a model. I think that's why I'm a comic. I'm deeply insecure, since I was always feeling ugly. I wasn't a healthy child. I had poor self-esteem. That's why I need people's approval.
Sarah Silverman. She's the reason I do comedy. Her DNC speech was my favorite thing I ever heard. Sitting down with her and laughing would be incredible.
My logic used to be if I get angry at my boyfriend, he could say, 'Well, if that thing I do that I don't want to stop doing makes you mad, I don't need to be with you. Bye!' And then he'd leave me. Forever.
I don't feel the same pressure to be perfect up there that I did in the beginning.
I started out splitting my time between the Kansas City and St. Louis comedy scenes, which both had bluer sensibilities than other cities that I've worked.
A college degree was very important for them; it wasn't for me. So I picked English because I'm fluent. I thought it would be the easiest to do.
Make eye contact with cute strangers. Give guys your email. Email is safer than a number, or at least it feels that way.
All my life - middle school, high school - I've always been worried what are people going to think.
I was lucky enough to find stand-up really early in life. And I'm so grateful that I did, because the second I found it, I was like, 'I know what I want to do'.
Things end in this business. Shows get canceled, or you walk away from them - but most likely, things get canceled.
People are just so insensitive because they're ignorant; they don't understand, so they're scared of what they're ignorant of.
I just got a new dog, so I was worried that he'd hate the fireworks, and he did, but just because he's not a patriot, not because of the loud sounds. The loud sounds he's fine with - he just hates America.
I remember thinking years ago about getting a half special, 'When you get that, that will be it. That will be all you need to feel validated in this world.' I feel like that special was just another set.
I had a guy on Facebook for, like, years just asking if he could PayPal me money, and of course I have to say no when, really, I'm just like, 'Why wouldn't I? He doesn't want anything for it.'
I would much rather be someone with high self-esteem and less funny.
I nannied for a couple of months. The kids were super-funny; it made me wish I grew up in a comedy household. But nannying is demoralizing. I'm just not cut out for it.
I never feel guilty or anything after a podcast; I feel better.
I like guys with a sense of humor who smile a lot and are kind.
My boyfriend and I have finally learned how to embrace confrontation as something that will only help us as a couple.
My boyfriend and I are not good at fighting. We're better than we were when we started dating - two breakups and three years ago - but it's never come naturally to either of us. I have often wished we fought like I imagine Pink and Carey Hart fight.
I love what I do, but living in one place for an entire year and not being on the road constantly was glorious. The road lifestyle is not ideal for a woman who's about to be thirty.
I'm not a bleeding-heart feminist, but I do like to call out that stuff in my act. It's nice when you find a perspective that no one has hit on.
I knew what I wanted to do, so I was constantly working on material once I got to KU.
A lot of being a woman in this business is about how you look... That's not why we're even in this business; that's not what people want from us. We're valuable because we're funny and because we have a voice and a point of view.
Nothing really shocks me anymore.
I just want to open people's eyes to different things.
As a female comic, if you talk about sex in any capacity, you will be branded a 'sex comic,' so I might as well go full force on it.
The transgender bathroom thing - it's just so obvious that people are scared of what they don't understand. It's like, 'I don't want to deal with the fact that some people might have been born in the wrong body.'
I'm so glad I'm not in college anymore. I'm so glad I'm not having kids.
I was inspired by people telling me I should be a comedian. I tried it and had a really good first set, so I was like, 'OK, I'll do this forever'.
We just learned about this fetish where guys just give women money and know that they are spending their money. It's not like a sugar daddy thing. It's like financial domination, or something like that. These guys just want to give you money.
