All change is bad. But sometimes it has to be done.
— P. J. O'Rourke
People will tell you anything but what they do is always the truth.
My wife and I both come from Irish families. There are two kinds of Irish families: the hitting kind and the kidding kind. If you're fortunate - and both of us are - you come from the kidding kind of Irish family.
Southern California is a nice place, if you could cut out the show-business cancer. It just keeps spreading.
I realised the bohemian life was not for me. I would look around at my friends, living like starving artists, and wonder, 'Where's the art?' They weren't doing anything. And there was so much interesting stuff to do, so much fun to be had... maybe I could even quit renting.
No humorist is under any obligation to provide answers and probably if you were to delve into the literary history of humour it's probably all about not providing answers because the humorist essentially says: this is the way things are.
We need a government, alas, because of the nature of humans.
Crazy old people are our entire source of polling information.
There's a certain kind of behavior in the Arab world that, to me, resembles the way young men behave when there is no significant influence from women in their lives.
It's better to make fun of yourself because you've always got someone around to make fun of, and they can't sue you.
The great thing about being a print journalist is that you are permitted to duck. Cameramen get killed while the writers are flat on the floor. A war correspondent for the BBC dedicated his memoir to 50 fallen colleagues, and I guarantee you they were all taking pictures. I am only alive because I am such a chicken.
Ideology, politics and journalism, which luxuriate in failure, are impotent in the face of hope and joy.
Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.
Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort.
I don't even know which end of a computer one is supposed to gaze into. I've never used a computer.
I'm a political conservative.
I'm really tired of virtue.
There are plenty of problems in the world, and doubtless climate change - or whatever the currently voguish phrase for it all is - certainly is one of them. But it's low on my list.
I write because I like to make things and the only things I am good at making things with are words.
Fiscal conservatism is just an easy way to express something that is a bit more difficult, which is that the size and scope of government, and really the size and scope of politics in our lives, has grown uncomfortable, unwieldy, intrusive and inefficient.
Satire doesn't effect change.
Who, other than a crazy person, does anything besides hang up on a robo-call? Any call, any person, anywhere, under any circumstances.
A humorist doesn't really do that much note-taking.
The idea of capitalism is not just success but also the failure that allows success to happen.
You may be surprised to discover you're rich, especially if you're broke.
There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.
Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.
I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a 'learning experience.' It makes me feel less stupid.
Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.
What would annoy the most people most often? That is the true left-wing test of government intervention.
There isn't much room for an outsider point of view in print any more.
I'm old enough to remember when the air over American cities was a lot dirtier than it is now.
People are always angry at America. They're absolutely certain that America either caused their problems or is deliberately not fixing their problems. But the anger is always directed at America and never at Americans.
I like making things. I have a wood shop at home. I am a terrible carpenter but I love doing it.
I rarely meet a politician that I don't like personally. They are generally well endowed with charm. Therein lies the danger.
As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children.
I think it's been hard for people to understand how Islam can be a good religion, and yet the Islamists are evil. Those of us who have had experience with Islam understand this, just as we understand the difference between snake handlers and people going to church on Sunday morning.
Zero-sum thinking is an obsession of mine, but mostly in economics.
You can learn all about the human condition from covering the crime beat in a big city - you don't need to go to Beirut for that - but a foreign correspondent begins to understand poverty from a different perspective.
The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich.
There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.
Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.
The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.
