I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
— Phyllis Diller
My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
