You have this idea that you'd better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous.
— Robin Williams
I love kids, but they are a tough audience.
Okra is the closest thing to nylon I've ever eaten. It's like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.
I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.
I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.
When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'
Look at the walls of Pompeii. That's what got the internet started.
I only ever play Vegas one night at a time. It's a hideous, gaudy place; it may not be the end of the world per se, but you can certainly see it from there.
You can start any 'Monty Python' routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
Reality: What a concept!
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
Carpe per diem - seize the check.
The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
Comedy is acting out optimism.
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
In America they really do mythologise people when they die.
I don't do well with snakes and I can't dance.
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'
Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!
We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.
Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'
Being in the same room with people and creating something together is a good thing.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
I left school and couldn't find acting work, so I started going to clubs where you could do stand-up. I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.
