My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
— Rodney Dangerfield
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.
