My shows are not all-the-way filthy, but they can be.
— Ron White
My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.
I was talking to a guy who was holding his 18-month-old daughter with the only limb he had left, and he had a smile on his face. I thought, 'I'm not even a 10th of this man.'
I don't live under the illusion we don't need a military to protect this country.
My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks.
Comedy is all about the pause.
I always wanted to be a popular comedian.
I was a comedy fan when I was a little kid.
Here's how I operate. When I see something I like, 20 years later, I ask her brother for her phone number. She don't even see me coming.
I don't watch Comedy Central. I don't enjoy it.
There have been times when I played more than others, but I've been a road comic for a quarter of a century, so I've always played golf on the road because you have a lot of time to kill.
Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.
Mother, she likes the blue material just fine.
I don't like to do burnt material on stage. Even though my crowd loves to hear me do old stuff, I don't like to do old stuff. So I do very, very little of it.
I was desperate for new material, so anything I can write a joke about that works is in the act. No matter who it offends, or who it bothers - doesn't matter if its something my wife hates.
You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.
I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.
I think the world has their own good, clean, Christian comedy. They don't need my help.
I don't know who in my family thinks very fast at all, including me. The things that people see me do onstage are written, so it doesn't have to be very quick if you have all day with a pen.
I go to more open mic nights than open mikers.
As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I'll create more comedy. It's just when I shut off and stay at home... What helps me is just to keep moving.
It never dawned on me that I had the option of becoming a comedian. I come from a little dirt street town in northwest Texas, and they really don't talk about the arts there much on career day.
There's no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don't exist.
Anything I write that I consider stage-quality work, I won't give my TV show. I put it in my live show.
It went from Bob Newhart to Flip Wilson to Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor to George Carlin to Cheech and Chong. I had all these records.
I do a lot of gay-friendly stuff in my show, and men, women, they all love it. I practice non-judgment in my daily life and hope other people do the same thing.
There's no idea or concept in comedy you could do that hasn't been attacked from some angle. But if you start leaving punchlines out so you'll look cool, I don't get that. But I don't watch standup anyway, so I don't know what they're doing.
Ultimately I'm the writer for me, but also, anytime one of my friends gets stuck with a bit, they can call me, and I'm pretty good at helping them get there.
A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.
I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.
If I'm not in the theatre, I'm in an open mic night or doing a guest set at the Comedy Club, or whatever, just trying to develop stuff.
The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant.
That's the beauty of being a straight-to-DVD star. It really helps you stay under the media's radar.
The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.
My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers.
When I was a kid, mostly I played in a ditch that didn't have much water in it. It was for drainage purposes. There was not a lot trouble to get into in that ditch. It was ditch activities like catching crawdads and minnows.
I pretty much give both barrels every time I walk on stage.
We always go out looking for live music after our shows.
I go through about 140 cities a year.
I'm set up where I make a lot of money doing stand-up, and it's easy.
The only thing I really worry about is my live stand-up show because I have to answer to the fans.
If you watch the 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour,' don't expect that when you come see me by myself, 'cause it's a little rougher.
My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.
All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.
I would have rather been beat by a plumber than Kathy Griffin.
I get e-mail from all over the world, and from lawyers and doctors and whoever - plumbers and drywall hangers.
I guarantee there's people who watch television who have no idea how complicated it is to make a television show.
I still love to walk on stage and make people laugh, and I work very, very hard at it, and I take it seriously.
I loved listening to laughter even as a little kid.
The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.
