I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
— Steven Wright
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.
I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling.
It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Hermits have no peer pressure.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
At one point he decided enough was enough.
So, do you live around here often?
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
What a nice night for an evening.
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.