If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
— Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
How young can you die of old age?
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!