If the award comes with a check, then I want that award. But if it doesn't come with a check, then I'm not that interested. I'd much rather join NASCAR and get a trophy and a check.
— Tiffany Haddish
You're the only one that's in control of your emotions; you're the only one that's inside of you at all times. So control you however you want to. If you're not happy, that's your fault.
I always feel like when I work with people, I work with everybody - from the person that's working the camera to the person that's running the water to the person that's putting the clothes on me, the person that's combing my hair, my makeup, the person that's like, 'You gotta sign these papers.' I try to hang out with everybody.
I tried to join three gangs, and every single one gave me a different excuse, but it was pretty much along the lines of, 'You're too goofy. You're too cute. You don't fit in.'
I danced for, like, 11 years at bar mitzvahs and executive parties. I'm a professional energy producer. I produce energy, baby.
As far as ever wanting to give up, there have been a few times where I thought, 'Man, am I even good enough to do this?' Because people have said things to me like, 'You're too pretty. You shouldn't do comedy. Go ahead and get pregnant by a rich guy and chill.'
When I got emancipated from the foster care program and I became homeless, it was a struggle. I was working at an airline, and then I stopped to pursue comedy 110%.
People always tell me, 'You should do drama. You should do drama.' Even when I first got an agent, they were like, 'We want to send you out to be dramatic.' And I'm like, 'No. I'm a comedian. I'm funny. I want to do funny stuff.'
I feel like a foster kid that's been in the system for a long time, and then at 16, somebody adopted them and said, 'You can go to college, and you ain't got to pay no student loans.' I feel happy. I feel accepted after all these years of blood, sweat, and tears.
I learned from Roger Rabbit that if you make people laugh, they'll do anything for you - which is almost true.
I've always been outwardly personal. I've always been that chick. A lot of my friends be like, 'TMI, Tiffany, TMI.' I just feel like it's important to share your experience on this Earth, because you never know who's watching, who might be going through the same thing, who might feel devastated.
I've studied Charlie Chaplin for years. I've studied Lucille Ball, Carol Burnett, all of them. I don't play around. This is not a game.
When I was young, people used to be like, 'You look just like Halle Berry - out of Losing Isaiah.' I don't care; she was still beautiful in that movie!
I surf. I would love to do a remake of 'Gidget.' It could be, like, black 'Gidget.'
I'm so sleepy most of the time, but I guess it's 'cause I'm constantly doing things and trying to move forward and set up for the master plan. The master plan is to be, like, little baby Oprah, with my own production company, maybe my own channel, inspire millions.
When I was younger, I barely talked. I was scared of people. I had to learn how to cultivate that confidence.
Everybody the same: We all got problems. We all want to be loved. We all wanna be happy.
Stop holding your truth; speak your truth. Be yourself. It's the healthiest way to be.
I always bring at least 15 to 20 percent of Tiffany to every character that I do. Like when I read 'Girls Trip,' I was like, 'Who been partying with me? Somebody been hanging out with me and done stole some stuff.'
I love Groupon. I just got a pedicure because of Groupon, and it was the best pedicure ever. I'm going to write a review!
When I pick my greens, right, I smile. I smile when I pick the greens, and when I wash the greens, I smile. Then when I cut them up, I smile. And then when I cook them, I smile. They call it joyful greens.
I think of comedy as my man: it's the one thing I can always rely on that will keep me safe, keep me fed, put a roof over my head.
In stand-up, you do need to be having fun up there, like Richard Pryor said, but you have to know yourself well, too... You start learning, and it's like playing a piano. You know exactly what keys to stroke, 'cause really, with comedy, you're, like, fiddling with people's souls.
Every teacher that I've ever had, that I still remember their name, made me laugh. I feel like comedy is the best instrument to teach.
I'm not afraid of any kind of job, I'm not afraid to play any kind of role, as long as it doesn't compromise my morals.
My therapist was like, 'What brings joy to your heart?' And I was like, 'I like to see teeth. I guess maybe I should have been a dentist.'
When I go to auditions, I try to always make sure I go in prepared. I always think to myself, 'I'm here to provide them with a service. They need me, and if they decide to hire me for this service, I'm going to give them the best they've ever paid for and if they don't, they're dumb.' That's on them.
Any comedic roles that I've gone out for usually end up going to a white woman or a gay man instead.
There've been times I felt like, 'I don't know if I want to do this.' That maybe I should go back to school and become a special-education teacher. But I love entertaining.
I wanna meet Meryl Streep, so she can be my mama. I want Meryl Streep to be my mom in a movie.
I do have esteem issues when it comes to reading and writing. I always feel kind of self-conscious about letting people read something that I wrote, because the last thing I wanna hear is, 'You spelled everything wrong.'
Coming from where I came from, being a foster youth... like, living in all those different homes... I am glad I had those experiences because now, when I perform, I can come from a place of reality: I know how different people live.
I don't mean to be so sensitive, but that's just who I am. And I'm not afraid to admit it.
The body is a universal language. Because if you spoke French, and I speak English, but I move like this or do certain movements, I can still make you smile and laugh.
The last bag that I bought myself was a Madden Girl backpack that's really cute. And it was on sale for $45! I'm probably going to be cheap with my money for a long time.
For any women trying to do comedy, I would suggest you do one thing every day towards your goal. First, you figure out what it is you want to accomplish. Don't be afraid to set a new goal every day, but every single day, do one thing towards your goal, and you will achieve it.
There are a lot of comedians that were bullied and picked on, and that's why they became comedians. Survival of the fittest.
Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't become Mr. Universe because he went to the gym every now and then. He did it on a regular basis. It's the same thing with comedy. I try to perform seven nights a week.
No matter what the situation, I try to have fun. I get pulled over by the police, I'm like, 'Oh, this going to be the best arrest ever.' And I end up making friends with these police officers.
I'm open to whatever God puts in front of me and makes my heart pitter patter.
I did this movie called 'Their Eyes Were Watching God,' and I was an extra, and it was a movie that Oprah was producing. She had walked by, and I was making all the other extras laugh, and she said, 'You're a very funny young lady.' I was like, 'Eeeee!'
I did tell the census man I was white, and I'm telling you, I started getting offers for the black American Express card in the mail.
Everybody in my life who is important to me is a star to me.
I'm not really into politics, but if I had my own country, I would make sure all my people were educated and figuring out what they love to do, and focusing on that.
Being on stage is, like, my favorite. The immediate gratification. That's my favorite.
When my people are dying, that's when you gonna catch me protesting. I'm not gonna protest because somebody got offered not the amount of money they wanted to get offered. If you don't like what they're offering you, just no longer do business with them.
