The town was so dull: one day the tide went out, and it never came back.
— Tommy Cooper
I've got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!
I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'
Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.
Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
I'm recovering from a cold. I'm so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I'll cure someone.
I haven't got an ad lib for people throwing bread rolls at my hat.
I'm on a whisky diet... last week, I lost three days!
Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that if we didn't have electricity, we'd be watching television by candle light?
My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails, but I cured her. I hid her teeth.
Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
I always sit in the back of a plane. It's much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!
It doesn't matter how many times the audience has heard it before. If it's funny, it's funny.
My wife said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.'
They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim?
I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
