I don't believe in storks. I know they don't deliver babies; they deliver pickles.
— Tracy Morgan
I'm not getting any younger. You're not getting any younger, so yeah. You age.
The most romantic thing I ever did to my woman? I painted her toenails!
Comedy should be easy, not laboured.
'Saturday Night Live' was the joy of my life.
Cool is the enemy of funny. You can't be cool and be funny at the same time. Only Eddie Murphy could do that.
The further you go, what, I'm gonna wait til I'm 80? Naw, I'm tellin' my story now. I was just moved. I was moved to tell my story. You know? People write books all the time.
The sexiest part of a woman's body is the back of her kneecaps.
I don't get on the phone and prank people and things like that on the phone with people, no.
People live too much of their lives on email or the Internet or text messages these days. We're losing all of our communication skills.
America doesn't like to hear about things like welfare. 'Don't talk about that. We don't like what it did to people!' Yeah, but it happened.
Having boys is different. Boys, you put sneakers on, and they're out, they're ready. Girls, you gotta pay a little bit more attention to them.
I don't even read the newspaper; I don't read that crap.
Some people believe everything they see on TV. People, it's called tel-lie-vision!
I've got friends who want money but don't want to do anything to earn it.
I love animals, but I don't want to talk to them. I'd rather be able to talk to other people on other continents and understand them.
No matter what, if my son was gay, I'd treat him like a king.
I have a heart. I want people to see me with their heart and not their eyes.
I don't control the line of 'funny,' 'funny,' 'funny,' 'not funny.'
The only person who knows what's in my wallet is my wife.
When Richard Pryor did comedy, it was like he was having a conversation.
There's ups and downs of any job. If you worked at the post office, there's ups and downs. You have your good days, and you have your bad days. If you're a housewife, you have your good days, and you have your bad days.
I know how people are. We fixate on controversy and all that.
What you have to understand is that my thing is not glamour. I love stretch marks and C-section scars and all of that. I'm a grown man. You don't gotta put on no makeup with me.
If she's not spoken for, and you come at her correctly, like a man, she'll get with you.
I know who I am. When I look in the mirror, I see me.
There aren't a lot of guys out there keeping it real. Everybody's been branded. Everybody's been bought and sold.
Sometimes I think we're exposed to things we shouldn't be exposed to too early. I think that sets the tone to a person's whole life. Trauma.
I have the person at home, the person who has his privacy, too. Michael Jackson didn't do the moonwalk in his kitchen.
I guess I'm entertaining; I guess I'm interesting. I guess the things that I say sell papers. I guess they sell magazines. I don't know.
When you're in the spotlight, people want to dissect you and then put you back together the way they want you.
Black people dance well because we start early - there's music being played everywhere. White people? They don't start dancing until they get to college, and by then, it's too late; the bottom don't move with the top no matter how hard they try.
All women like to look up to their men.
I've still got family members living below the poverty line in New York.
Everybody's out to get something from somebody. 'Gold diggers' doesn't just mean money, it can mean time, it can mean feelings. It can mean anything when you're taking and not giving. When people don't know how to reciprocate.
I'm a black man in America, so I'm going to be misunderstood.
If I gamble, I'll play roulette. My wife and I will play roulette, and that's about it. I'm not a heavy gambler.
For my first gig, I got $75. I could make money being funny, so I pursued it as a career and have turned it into a lucrative business.
Welcome to post-racial America. I'm the face of post-racial America.
I've gone through my trials and tribulations, and sure, it's gotten bumpy and all that, but I'm here. OK?
There's nothing wrong with looking at a woman's kneecaps.
I love working with Alec Baldwin. He's one of the five greatest actors ever to live.
My father was the role model I looked up to. My dad was an entertainer, too. I patterned my life after him. He wanted me to do better than he did. He never sold a record in his life, but to me, he was still a rock star.
I'm no Jerry Seinfeld. I wasn't raised with some backyard with a creek and trees and all that.
If I get some Bruce Lee nun-chucks that he actually used in a movie, those are going in the case. Those will never be used. Those will never be touched.
It gets scary when you're dealing with people who don't know how to separate fact from fiction.
You have to be highly intelligent to get away with a dumb joke. That takes a pretty smart fella.
Anybody who's lived in the ghetto knows that you don't move during the daytime. Here's why: You don't want anyone to know you're leaving, and you don't want anyone knowing where you're going.
All you single fathers got to man up.
Rock bottom for some people is death. Some people never learn from their mistakes. They don't learn from other people's mistakes.
