I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
— Will Rogers
The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it's been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking.
We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.
Prohibition is better than no liquor at all.
If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them.
Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it.
Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction.
You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way.
There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.
Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
One Ad is worth more to a paper than forty Editorials.
If the other fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called dumping. 'Course, if you sell cheaper than him, that's mass production.
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.
Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?'
Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
Things ain't what they used to be and never were.
America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think of nothing to do once it gets there.
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?
The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.
Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it.
When should a college athlete turn pro? Not until he has earned all he can in college as an amateur.
I read about eight newspapers in a day. When I'm in a town with only one newspaper, I read it eight times.
Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do.
There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail.
The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.
It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.
When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states.
Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
Never let yesterday use up too much of today.
In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him 'father.'
One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide.
In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time.
