We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
— Will Rogers
There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in.
It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.
All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
The schools ain't what they used to be and never was.
An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.
If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.
America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few.
If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
Last year we said, 'Things can't go on like this', and they didn't, they got worse.
Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
