Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
— Woody Allen
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
I am two with nature.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Marriage is the death of hope.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.