Whatever comedian says he doesn't read comments, I never believe him, because we all have the same pathological problem to see what people think of us, and it sucks, because you try not to take it personally, and people are monsters and idiots.

I got a pit bull from a shelter, so my whole life is centered on this dog, and I've been writing a lot of dog jokes. I should probably give up now, because I'm writing jokes about my dog.

I don't even know if people even care what a 27-year-old Jewish kid thinks about politics.

Joe Mande Quotes