I don't eat huge amounts, I'm just very lazy. But then this story appeared about me being on a diet and several weeks later I was snapped on holiday with my ‘‘new physique'' on display, which was basically my old physique under a baggy T-shirt. I hadn't been on any diet. But I felt I had to live up to it.

I don't understand people who write blogs and have children. You can't stop in the middle of bathtime and say: ‘I'm just going to write a load of words - for free.' I won't do it - unless someone wants to commission me.

You have to be realistic. Not everyone is going to like you, so you have to focus on the ones who do.

Michael McIntyre Quotes