My body is not supportive of my career. My body has other plans for me. My body's plan is to slowly rot from the inside. By the time I'm ready to have kids, it's not going to be viable to do that.

In the entertainment industry, there is this fear of getting older, because we have high definition television now, and you can see things that the human eye can't even pick up. But the good thing about standup is that the older you get, the funnier you get.

I used to put on spray tan, like, three times a day, and it just looked like there was a terrible accident in my bed at all times... it looked like a crime scene.

Whitney Cummings Quotes