Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.
— Adam Carolla
I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.
The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing.
Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.
People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'
I mean, we sit around and we go, you know, 'Torture doesn't work.' Well, it's been around for 5,000 years. Most stuff that doesn't work goes the way of the dodo pretty quick, like waterbeds and 8-tracks and things like that.
People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.
I don't know anything about computers.
If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
I'd never hurt another person.
You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.
I think we're getting to the point where everyone's getting fat and everyone's getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people can't walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps.
If the media isn't slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?
I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.
When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.
If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.
All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.
If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place.
I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.
I've never really broken this down before, but, in movies, you almost have no connection to fans. And if you do TV, you're kind of connected, but they know you as the TV name not your real name. If you do radio, there's more of a bond there. And then if you do a podcast it's like you're literally inside of your fans.
I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.
I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the 'Every vote counts.'
I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.
I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.
Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.
I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.
I've always boxed, I always taught boxing.
Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.
I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why.
Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.
If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?
Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.
If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.
The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.
Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.
I was a horrible student.
You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.
I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.
I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.
I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.
I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.
When you're doing a radio show, you can express yourself.
My first car was a motorcycle.
I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.
I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.
If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'
I'm a comedian, not a politician.
I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.
