Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
— Groucho Marx
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.