I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine.
— Ogden Nash
There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends.
Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?
Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.
No, you never get any fun out of the things you haven't done.
People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying them without money?
Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.
The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.
Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early?
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.
I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.
The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.
Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you.
The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.
Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.
Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.
I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.
If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.
Women would rather be right than reasonable.
Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.
To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.
Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.
I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.
Too clever is dumb.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.