I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.
— W. C. Fields
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
I like children - fried.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
Never give a sucker an even break.
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
I must have a drink of breakfast.
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
I never met a kid I liked.
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.